


baby, let’s not fight

by pipercase



Category: South Park
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Making Out, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 07:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15213989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipercase/pseuds/pipercase
Summary: Kyle is pretty pissed off at Cartman for looking so damn good when they’re supposed to be fighting.





	baby, let’s not fight

Nothing would ever top Kyle’s solar system costume. Maybe it was sad to have peaked in the third grade, but what could he say? He should have won that costume contest.

Halloween was still pretty fun, though. Since he and his classmates had reached high school there was usually a Halloween party every weekend of October. Some kids went all out, and some just came in their normal jeans and T-shirts. Kyle tended to fall into the former category. Even when he and his friends played games as kids, Kyle made sure to have the best costume out of everyone.

He enjoyed having a project to work on, and costumes were perfect for this. And besides, looking better than everyone else always had it’s upsides. Stan, for instance, could only be bothered to throw on a Broncos jersey and call himself John Elway. Lame. 

Kyle couldn’t really pass judgement, though. Not tonight at least. For once, he wasn’t wearing a costume. He’d been far too angry for the last few days to focus on anything not related to wringing Cartman’s neck. Ugh. Cartman.

Seriously, dude, fuck Cartman. He truly was the most infuriating individual on planet earth. Fuck him for taking up so much of Kyle’s attention, fuck him for making him so mad all the time, and fuck him for looking so good when Kyle was supposed to be angry with him. Fuck him for that part especially.

There was so way he wasn’t doing this on purpose, Kyle knew, because Eric Cartman did everything for a reason. Usually that reason was to provoke Kyle, and tonight was no exception.

“I can’t fucking believe this.” Kyle grumbled, mindlessly accepting the can of beer that Kenny was shoving into his hand.

Kenny was wearing a sparkly red dress and headpiece, and Kyle guessed that he was meant to be a 1950s flapper. Evidently, he’d let his little sister pick out his costume.

“Why is Cartman even here?” Stan wondered.

Kyle turned on him with narrowed eyes, and Stan practically cowered. Being on the receiving end of Kyle’s fury wasn’t something anyone was fond of. 

“Why do you think, Stan?” Kyle asked sarcastically. “Why does the asshole do anything? He’s here to make me mad!”

“Good thing it’s not working.” Kenny muttered. 

They were standing in Wendy Testaburger’s kitchen in the midst of that week’s Halloween party, and Kyle was growing more frustrated by the second. Ostensibly, it was because Cartman had shown up to the party while they were fighting. In reality, it was because Cartman had shown up to the party looking so _good_ while they were fighting.

Kyle didn’t even know what exactly it was about the costume that had him so damn enticed. Cartman had been sitting alone in an arm chair dressed as some kind of vampire when he saw him earlier, staring out at the other party guests with disdain.

He was dressed all in black. That was probably it. Kyle always told him he looked good in black. The cape helped too; the way it almost seemed to command respect. The fangs he had put in were cool as well, honestly. They made Cartman look so...fierce.

Sigh. Okay. So maybe Kyle was just feeling extra horny tonight, because he was pretty sure that was the first time his inner monologue had used the word “fierce” to describe anything. Especially Cartman.

“Will you just admit you miss him already?” Kenny asked, annoyance written all over his face. 

Kyle’s first instinct was to glare. True as it might have been, he didn’t want to be faced with the reality of the situation. People tended to think of Kyle as a levelheaded guy, one who didn’t let his feelings make his decisions. He’d like to keep things that way.

“I don’t miss him.” He said emphatically. “I don’t miss _assholes_.”

“Well clearly you do,” Kenny shot back, “because you haven’t stop moping since you guys’ stupid fight.”

Kyle groaned. He and Cartman hadn’t spoken in three days: a record for them.

“Our fight wasn’t stupid, Kenny.” Kyle insisted. “Cartman was being a dick.”

Kenny looked at him quizzically, like he was searching for a punchline.

“Was he being a dick, though?” He asked. “I mean, don’t get me wrong: Cartman is normally being a huge dick. But in this specific circumstance, is it possible that maybe he wasn’t?”

Kyle looked suspiciously at him. As usual, he couldn’t comprehend the idea that anyone other than him was right. 

“Of course he was being a dick.” He said simply. “It’s Cartman.”

“Does being Cartman automatically mean he’s guilty all the time?” Kenny asked.

He paused.

“Don’t answer that.”

Kyle laughed bitterly, gesturing vaguely.

“Exactly! Cartman’s always wrong. Everyone knows that.” 

Pinching his nose between to fingers, Stan finally decided to join the argument.

“Kyle, dude, if you’re going to willingly date Cartman you have to learn to deal with shit like this. Remember: blink twice if you’re being held hostage.”

“Oh, are Kyle and Cartman fighting again?” Clyde Donovan asked, having entered through the kitchen doors to raid the fridge.

“What a fucking surprise.” Craig commented dryly, following behind him.

Clyde was dressed rather obnoxiously as a giant taco and Craig, predictably, hadn’t worn a costume. Kyle was surprised that Craig had even come to the party at all, knowing his dislike for social events. It was even odder seeing him there without Tweek at his side.

“Of course they’re fighting.” Stan answered, voice thick with irritation.

“What’s the problem this time?” Clyde asked, cracking open a can of Sprite. 

Kyle sighed. He really didn’t want to fucking talk about it, but he wasn’t sure he had a choice. Citizens of South Park were famously nosy. It was like...a rule. 

“The problem is that Cartman is a gigantic douchebag.” He explained, disgust written all over his face.

“Yeah.” Clyde said, dragging the word out patronizingly. “We’ve known him since pre school too, you know.”

“What did he do this time?” Craig asked.

They looked at Kyle expectantly, and he shook his head in frustration. Just bringing the subject up again had him feeling annoyed. He grabbed another beer from the carton on the table; it was probably his fourth or fifth drink of the night, and he’d only been at the party for 45 minutes. 

“Okay, so, you guys know the movie The Sixth Sense?” He asked, prying open his can.

They nodded. 

“You guys know how the movie ends?” 

They nodded again.

“Yeah.” Clyde said. “What a twist!”

Kyle gestured with both hands, nodding ferociously.

“Exactly! The twist ending is the best part!”

Clyde seemed enthralled by Kyle’s recounting, but Craig didn’t look impressed.

“Yeah? So what?”

“Cartman spoiled it for him.” Kenny butted in, sounding bored. “They were about to watch it the other day, and Cartman told him that Bruce Willis is dead the whole time.”

“That’s it?” Craig asked incredulously. Or, as incredulous as Craig ever got.

“‘That’s it’?” Kyle asked. “It completely ruined the movie for me! And now the bastard won’t even apologize!”

Stan and Kenny side eyed each other. They’d spent practically their entire lives listening to Kyle rant about Cartman, and it never got any less annoying. Next to them, Clyde looked confused.

“This doesn’t explain why Cartman’s mad at you, though. What did you do?”

Kyle opened his mouth to answer, but Kenny cut in once again.

“Cartman’s mad at Kyle because after he spoiled the movie Kyle told him that he didn’t even think Mountain Dew was that good.” 

Clyde just nodded as though that made perfect sense.

“He’s such an idiot.” Kyle muttered.

“Not a very nice way to talk about your boyfriend.” Craig said.

“Hey!” Kyle rounded on him. “You’re one to talk! Where’s Tweek, huh? Aren’t you two supposed to be attached at the hip or something?”

Craig blinked once, evidently very bored by this interaction.

“Do parties seem like something Tweek would enjoy? He’s at home, idiot.”

“Yeah.” Clyde agreed. “And Craig’s only here for the free liquor.”

Kyle deflated, embarrassed. If he hadn’t been so angry, he could have come up with that explanation himself.

“Oh. Right.”

Craig smirked.

“Speaking of Tweek, I’m going to his house now. Parties fucking suck without him, and he wants help with his math homework anyway.”

The others openly rolled their eyes.

“You’re so fucking whipped, dude.” Stan muttered. Craig raised an eyebrow.

“At least we aren’t fighting.” He snapped back quickly. “Unlike a couple sociopaths I know.” 

With that he turned and walked out of the kitchen door, leaving Kyle to fume.

“Just ignore him.” Stan said, seeming annoyed with all of them. 

Kyle just shook his head. Craig was so annoying, he thought. Always so smug about his perfect fucking relationship. What did he know? Maybe Kyle and Cartman weren’t conventional, but that didn’t mean they didn’t work well together. Their relationship had been a long time coming, and everyone in town knew it. 

It hadn’t taken Kyle too long to figure out that Cartman had a thing for him because, well, duh. He got off on making Kyle angry, and he practically lived to antagonize him. Even if Kyle wasn’t perceptive enough to recognize this on his own, there were more than enough innuendos from his classmates to remind him of the fact.

“Just suck his dick, Kyle.” Someone would jeer whenever Cartman made him particularly angry. “That’s the only thing he really wants.”

If only it were really that simple. Cartman’s“whole thing with Kyle” as Kenny often put it, was actually far more complex than it appeared on surface level. It was sexual, yeah, but it was also deeply personal in a multitude of other ways. Kyle was the only person who always believed in him, and that made Cartman’s emotionally repressed ass a little uncomfortable.

He was in love with him, probably. It was something he’d always sort of known, and it was something he’d always hated about himself. Everyone knew it, really. By the time they’d all hit puberty, none of his peers could deny the glaring implications of Cartman begging Kyle to suck his balls. Butters, in particular, could see now why Cartman had done what he’d done way back in San Francisco. 

Kyle had picked up on this sometime during freshman year, just when his own confused feelings were beginning to surface. There was no one, not a single person he’d ever encountered in his fifteen years of life, that made him feel anything as intensely as Cartman could. It wasn’t just the fighting, either.

He had so much faith in him. So much belief that he could become a better person. He was so smart, so creative, and, when he wanted to be, so motivated. Kyle never would have stuck around this long if he didn’t care about him.

It didn’t help that Cartman had gotten hot, either, which was a thought Kyle never thought he’d have. Whether it was the the blue eyes, the winning smile, or the overwhelming confidence he projected, Kyle quickly found himself inexplicably drawn to Cartman in a way he never had been before. Their fights became ripe with sexual tension, and Kyle thought he might explode if he never got any kind of release.

“Your pants are getting tighter.” Cartman would whisper when they ended up on top of each other, rolling around like wrestlers in the ring.

Whether it was true or not didn’t really matter in the moment, because Kyle would turn about three shades darker than he had been before.

All the sexual tension had come to a head one night in Kyle’s room. Late, late into the night, when morning had nearly crept up on them both. Cartman had snuck in through the window to pick a fight about...something, and the inevitable argument had led to some intense and furious making out. Pretty hot, if Kyle said so himself.

The actual dating had come months after, once they’d finally made their way past the “enemies with benefits” stage. Cartman had confessed his undying love, Kyle made sure the whole thing wasn’t some giant prank, and the rest was history.

Kyle could pretend not to care all he wanted, but the reality was that he hated fighting with Cartman. Bickering was okay. Fun, even. But this had gone on for far too long.

Things had been going surprisingly smoothly up until now, too, when they were standing on opposite sides of a party and not speaking to one another. Kyle knew they’d each come around, though. As much as it scared him, he was pretty sure they’d always come around. Something about the way Cartman’s hand fit in his felt like forever.

Kyle downed the drink he was holding absentmindedly, and found that he didn’t feel so angry anymore. In fact, he almost felt relaxed. How many drinks had he had again? Didn’t matter. What mattered now was making up with his boyfriend.

“I’m gonna go talk to him.” He said firmly, elbowing at Kenny to get his attention.

“Go for it.” Kenny said, giving him a pat on the back as Kyle disappeared into the crowd.

“Good luck, dude.” Stan added. 

Kyle only hoped that Cartman wasn’t being too difficult. He’d texted him asking about homework the day before and been ignored, and that probably the first time since they’d known each other that he hadn’t gotten an immediate reply from Cartman.

Kyle wasn’t use to fighting for his attention, because Cartman was the clingiest person in the world. If Kyle was doing homework, Cartman’s mouth was on his neck. If they were eating lunch with their friends, Cartman had their fingers intertwined beneath the table. No matter the situation, he always needed to feel Kyle’s closeness.

Except for in this situation, evidently, because he was lounging alone in Wendy’s den and not even looking in Kyle’s direction. Ugh. That was really fucking infuriating.

A group of boys from North Park were stood near by, huddled in a circle. Kyle thought they might have been invited by Red, but he wasn’t sure.

“Cartman!” He called loudly, attracting his boyfriend’s attention immediately.

Judging by the look on Cartman’s face he was very interested in whatever it was Kyle had to say, but was trying desperately not to let it show. He looked up coyly from his phone and said: 

“Yes, Kyle?”

Next to Kyle, the huddle of boys overheard the interaction.

“Dude, that’s Eric Cartman.” A North Park guy with dark hair hissed to his friend, whose eyes turned promptly into saucers.

Cartman’s ears perked up at the conversation and he set his phone down to send the boys a wink, bearing his store bought fangs.

“I’ll make you eat your parents, kid.”

Kyle concealed his smirk with the red solo cup in his hand as the boys left the room, practically tripping over themselves in their need to escape. 

“That wasn’t very nice of you.” He teased as he approached, his voice just loud enough for Cartman to hear him over the buzz of the party.

“I’m not a very nice guy, Kyle.” He replied, grabbing Kyle by the hand and leading him to sit on the arm of his chair.

“Trust me, dude. I know.” 

They sat silently for a moment, each deciding on their next move as they listened to the noise pulsating throughout the rest of the house.

“I thought you were mad at me, Kyle.” Cartman said finally, feeling a bit like he was moving his first chess piece at the beginning of a great game.

Kyle shrugged. He was still angry, kind of, but he was also pretty drunk by now. Not Randy Marsh drunk or anything, but more than just tipsy. Drunk and horny. God, what a terrible combination.

“You’re an asshole, Cartman, but that’s nothing I didn’t already know.”

Cartman snickered, raising a hand and cradling the side of Kyle’s face. Kyle didn’t flinch, which marked what was possibly the most affectionate the two of them had ever been in public. If Cartman had his way they’d be making out before every class, but Cartman didn’t have it his way.

“You know you love it.” He said gleefully, seemingly very pleased that Kyle was speaking to him again.

“I don’t know about that...” Kyle said.

Cartman just laughed, basking in the attention he was being given. Kyle coming to him first, practically in his lap at a party? This was pretty much all he’d ever wanted.

“I love you, baby.” He purred, craning his neck to speak directly into Kyle’s ear. “I’m sorry I ruined the movie for you.”

Sober Kyle never would have let himself get so worked up in a public place, but sober Kyle had left this party at least an hour ago. The only thing Drunk Kyle wanted to do was have Halloween sex with his hot boyfriend. 

“Love you too.” Kyle mumbled, both because it was true and because he was looking to get laid.

The words came easier now, he noticed, unlike when he was sober and inhibited. It wasn’t something he said often, as much as he knew in the back of his mind it was true. Something about it always seemed too much letting letting your guard down, or conceding in a match of tennis. Maybe that was fucked up, but dating Eric Cartman was always a little bit like playing one long, ultra competitive game.

“And once again I say: I thought you were mad at me.”

Kyle wanted to scream. For once in his life he didn’t feel like pushing an argument, and Cartman wasn’t responding to his attempts at reconciliation? What a load of fucking shit.

“I’m not mad anymore!” He said, his voice coming out louder than he’d really intended it to.

Cartman smirked.

“But Kyle, whatever could have changed your mind? Because you seemed pretty pissed about thirty minutes ago.”

Kyle whined, curling into Cartman even further until he actually fell into his lap. Luckily for him there was no one else watching, because he would certainly be very embarrassed about his behavior come morning and sobriety.

“Let’s just fuck, okay?” He said quietly, his words slurred.

Cartman laughed before settling on a self satisfied smirk, absentmindedly stroking Kyle’s cheek with one finger.

“You want me bad, don’t you?” He said, soaking in the needy expression on Kyle’s face.

It wasn’t often that he let his guard down like this, and Cartman wanted to enjoy it for as long as he possibly could.

“I’ve never seen someone so desperate.” He continued. “You must really find me irresistible.”

Kyle groaned, nearly toppling out of the chair as he twisted his body to make eye contact.

“Will you shut up?” He asked. “I’m done fighting with you, okay? I’m letting you off the hook for once in our lives! Just take this opportunity while you have it.”

Cartman chuckled, and his entire demeanor seemed to warm. He leaned in for a kiss and Kyle obliged, but Cartman instead only brushed their noses together.

“I was going to apologize anyway, you know.” He whispered. “You didn’t have to come to me first.”

Even in his drunkenness, Kyle found that hard Eric Cartman owning up to his behavior was not exactly a common occurrence.

“You were not.” He challenged. Cartman laughed again.

“Believe me, Kyle, I was. It was insensitive of me to spoil the movie for you. Butters explained the whole thing to me.” 

Kyle scoffed lightly.

“You needed Butters to explain to you that it was insensitive?” 

“Hey, at least I’m trying.”

Huh. Good point. Kyle actually found it pretty endearing when he thought about it.

“I forgive you.” He slurred. “And I’m sorry for what I said about Mountain Dew. It’s not that bad.”

Cartman smiled, and this time he actually leaned in for a kiss. Kyle moved things along quickly, forcing his tongue into Cartman’s mouth. This was unbelievably out of character, but he was too far gone to care. Cartman decided to save him some embarrassment. He didn’t think anyone noticed them sitting in the dimly lit area, but he knew Kyle wouldn’t want to take any chances.

“Should we move somewhere more private?” He asked, knowing Kyle would thank him for it in the morning.

“Okay.”

Kyle stood from the chair, letting Cartman take his hand and lead him to the closest bathroom. Finally, he thought. He’d been longing for this all night.

They reached the bathroom as quickly as possible and flung open the door before shutting themselves inside. Kyle was momentarily confused when Cartman paused to adjust something in his mouth, but then he yanked something out and tossed it on the table.

“Stupid fucking fangs.” He muttered. Kyle laughed.

He placed a hand on the back of Cartman’s neck, pulling them together to continue kissing him. Cartman practically growled, putting a hand on Kyle’s hip.

Their fervent kissing continued for a few minutes, until Kyle’s back hurt from where the bathroom counter was digging into it. He barely noticed. Admittedly, he wasn’t very focused on anything but Cartman’s mouth on his. 

Eric lifted him up and set him on the counter at one point, deepening the kiss even further. A hand slid up Kyle’s shirt, and he gasped softly at the touch. Yeah, maybe it was a good idea they’d gotten away from everyone else. This was becoming far too intimate for the public eye.

“You’re so fucking perfect, Kyle.” Cartman mumbled as their makeout session increased in intensity. “I love you so fucking much.”

Kyle smiled into the kiss, and he felt suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of security. This felt so right. This felt so much better than fighting. Under different circumstances he might have given Cartman a lecture about the dangers of putting your partner on a pedestal, but at the moment he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Cartman continued what he was doing, pushing Kyle further into the wall and leaving kisses on his collarbones. Kyle could feel the bulge in his jeans grow as did, and he thanked God for teenage hormones. Maybe one day he’d find it difficult to get it up while drunk, but that was a problem for another time.

“Fuck me, okay?” He whispered desperately, flustered.

Kyle was typically the more dominant of the two when it came to sex, but tonight he was more than willing to arrange an usurp of power.

Slowly, Cartman pulled away from where he’d been sucking on his neck. Kyle waited for him to start removing more clothing, but all he did was stand there in front of him.

“I’m sorry, Kyle.” He said after a second of silence, pressing a lingering kiss to his cheek. “We can’t tonight.”

Kyle’s eyes widened and his body froze, stunned by surprise.

“What the fuck?” He demanded. “Why? Is this some sort of payback for that stupid fight?” 

Cartman’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“Payback? No, Kyle. You’re drunk. I can’t have sex with you while you’re drunk. That’s not cool.”

For once, he actually appeared sincere. Sober Kyle would have been proud. Drunk Kyle? Not so much.

“What the fuck? I’m completely lucid!”

Cartman just shrugged as if the situation was out of his hands.

“Sorry, babe.” He said. “It wouldn’t be right. Didn’t you take health class?”

Kyle seethed.

“Of course I fucking took health class! It’s a required credit! I must have missed the day when they said it was okay to leave your boyfriend high and dry in the middle of a Halloween party!”

“I’m not leaving you high and dry, Kyle.” Cartman explained, his voice condescending. 

“Oh really? Then what the fuck would you call this?” 

“I’d call this respecting you, you asshole! No way are we having sex when you’re this wasted!”

Kyle could have killed him.

“Then what the fuck are we gonna do?” He demanded.

Cartman sighed and tutted like a disapproving mother.

“What do you think, Kyle? I’m gonna drive you home and tuck you into bed.”

Kyle was lost. Had they traveled to an alternate timeline without anyone alerting him? Since when was Cartman this socially conscious?

“Are you kidding me?” He asked.

Cartman shook his head, grabbing Kyle by the hand and helping him climb off of the counter.

“No, Kyle. Do you want to sleep over at my house? My mom probably isn’t home.”

Kyle considered his options. He could stay at this party and sulk, sure, but he could also go home with his boyfriend and fall asleep next to him. He’d never say it out loud, but second choice seemed a lot more pleasant.

“Fine.” He conceded. “I’ll come home with you, but I better get some fucking action in the morning.”

Cartman grinned, and even without the fangs in he looked downright diabolical.

“We’ll see, Kyle.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve made out with people before. I’ve made out with people in bathrooms before. Why am I so bad at writing this scenario? The world may never know.


End file.
